What I like about Republicans

What do I like about Republicans in 2012? In a word: nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I don’t like how they walk. I don’t like how they talk. I don’t like how they look. If I was close enough around any of them I probably wouldn’t like the way they smell.

I don’t like Mitt Romney and his duplicitous, scummy style. I don’t like Newt Gingrich and his pugnacious swinish style. He, after all, when he became Speaker of the House, did away with the staff structure that had been used by the Congressional Black Caucus and other Caucuses, with one stroke of his pen.

I don’t like Rick Santorum. I don’t like Ron Paul even though he is correct about the futility of this country trying to be the world’s cop, and thereby squandering its meager treasure on wars. He is so very, very wrong-headed about race relations, predicting an open race war, and declaring in a speech before a Confederate flag, that the Civil War was not really about the treasonous, secessionist states wanting to keep Black slaves as chattel.

I don’t like Rick Perry–the hypocrite–campaigning to be President of the United States, after wondering aloud whether or not Texas, the state he governs, should consider seceding from that very union. He’s dumber than George W. (for Worst in History) Bush and he probably got through college by cheating with the help of his fraternity brothers.

I don’t like Herman Cain, a smart, but self-hating Black man who apparently likes to prey on vulnerable, White, professional women, who are between jobs or otherwise down on their luck in order to pressure them for sexual favors.

Cain may be the pick of the litter when it comes to prominent Black Republicans. I wouldn’t give two dead flies for the two Black Republican members of Congress. Well, maybe if I was in a very, very generous mood I would give two dead flies for Rep. Allen West (R-Fla.), the flat-top-wearing former Army Lt. Col. who was forced out of the military for torturing enemy soldiers.

But his buddy Tim Scott (R-S.C.) is absolutely worthless and inarticulate. He boycotted President Obama’s State of the Union address, just like the Boston hockey player on the Stanley Cup Champion Bruins boycotted a White House invitation. A hockey player rates barely more respect than a smack-down wrasslin’ champeen. Tim Scott belongs right down there on the bottom, feeding with them.

I don’t like any of the prominent lady Republicans either. They come off either like Sarah Palin and the flock of blond, right-wing, girly commentators on Fox News, who all wear their skirts too short and put on too much make-up; or they come off kind-of shrew-like, like Minnesota Congress member Michelle Bachmann, or like Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, talking too loud and too long, and wagging her finger in somebody’s face all the time.

And if you press me on it, I can’t imagine too many Republicans in history that I like very much, including “The Rail Splitter,” Abe Lincoln. Maybe if he had lived he might have gotten “religion” and asked to be forgiven for some of his more odious opinions, but in the meantime, his words speak for themselves. For example, in the famous Lincoln-Douglas Debates, with Illinois incumbent Sen. Stephen Douglas, both men were famous for using the “n-word” to describe enslaved Africans.

“I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races,” Lincoln declared in one of the debates, to hearty cheers from the crowd, “nor ever have been in favor of making voters of the Negroes, or jurors, or qualifying them to hold office, or having them to marry with White people.” That’s Lincoln for you.

And I don’t much care for people who like Republicans either. They’re all like a bunch of poisonous snakes in my book. They have a useful and important place in the natural order of things, so I would never advocate getting rid of them. And I know that some of them are non-venomous, that’s also nature. But I would never waste even two minutes, going among them, looking for the ones who are not poisonous.

The fact of the matter is, I wouldn’t give a plug nickel for all the Republicans that ever walked this land–that is unless Capt. John Brown said he was a Republican. If John Brown was a Republican I’d make a special exception for him and all his seven sons among my heavenly hosts, but he’d be the only one, simply because I don’t like Republicans in 2012 America.

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